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Barack Obama hates Charlie Brown, America, your mom, says Russell Wiseman,...
GateHouse — IMPORTANT CARTOON-AND-BLACK PRESIDENT ALERT: In addition to being a Muslim Kenyan chain-smoking Bolshevik Hitler-loving child-indoctrinating reality-TV-contestant-inviting Will.I.Am fan,...
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“The Polar Express”: An unrelenting hellscape of hideous terror, with hot...
Island Packet — I have put off writing this column for three years now, because at some point its publication will jab a lengthy and irrevocably infectious splinter into the relationship between my son...
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Count Chocula = Impossible to Buy in South Carolina. HALLOWEEN IS CANCELED.
GateHouse — I have discovered two equally displeasing things about Halloween this year. 1. The neighbor down the road, the one on the corner at Sundew Court, which is like the least-evil name ever (she...
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My Secret Santa is an unforgivable failure
GateHouse — So I’m in a Secret Santa thing here in the office, and like so many things about Christmas, it’s making me reach for the wine bottle well before my usual 10 a.m. start time, because I have...
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May your Christmas be liquid, fragile, perishable and hazardous
GateHouse — “Good morning, sir, how are you today?” Great, and you? “Great, thanks. Just these three?” Yep, just these three, please. “Anything in here fragile or liquid?” Nope. “Anything perishable?”...
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Disney’s Blizzard Beach Presents: The Unspeakable Horrors Of The Aging Male...
GateHouse — Having spent New Year’s Day at the Blizzard Beach water park in Disney World — the Happiest Place on Earth, particularly if your happiness revolves around disbursing $27.95 for chicken...
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No one is safe from the Sexy Halloween Costume movement. Not even you, Canada.
McClatchy/Tribune – I am not a very good-looking woman, which I think is the primary reason I’m having trouble coming up with a decent Halloween costume this year. (It’s also the main reason I kept...
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Who cuts down real Christmas trees? REAL MEN, WITH AXES, THAT IS WHO
GateHouse — We never cut down our own Christmas trees when I was a kid, mostly because it turned out that they sold objects very similar to Christmas trees at the Target in Marion, Ind. — and get this:...
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You almost certainly have snakes in your Christmas tree. Sorry.
GateHouse — There are things that are OK, and there are things that are Not OK, and there are things that are Super Not OK, and there are things that are So Not OK That They Make You Slap Your Face And...
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Do you have any cards that play the Mexican Hat Dance? You do? VALENTINE’S IS...
GateHouse — If there is any place on Earth more bruisingly depressing than the Valentine’s Day card rack at Target on Feb. 12, I’ve yet to hear about it. OK, that’s not entirely true, I can think of...
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Halloween 2009: Evil geniuses, dish soap and barely recognizable chunks of...
GateHouse — As is generally the case with most critical holidays, the important negotiations regarding my Halloween took place in a Target — specifically, in the throughway between the G.I. Joe toy...
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A fat Santa is an awesome Santa
GateHouse – There are a lot of things wrong with Santa Claus — the tobacco addiction, the repeated breaking and entering, the vanishing for 364 consecutive days without explanation — but to that long...
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Wonderful Christmas Hell
Every year, to decorate the holiday season with heaping helpings of hideous terror, the elftastic Jason Hare and the lovely and talented Jefito furnish The 25 Days of Mellowmas, in which they – on...
View Article“Star Trek” caskets: The voyage home
GateHouse — If you are running out of gift ideas and time this Christmas season — and, let’s be honest, you are, I can see the cold desperation in your eyes — boy, do I have good news for you. But I...
View Article38 Years Later, We Revisit ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ and Yeah Never Mind It’s...
. The Loop / Golf Digest — “Wonderful Christmastime” is the worst of Christmas songs, but it makes up for it by also being the worst of all songs, the worst song ever written by a human, Beatle or...
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